Why You’re Single: Your Texts Say It All

Flashback to me and my boo in bed one morning this week. Suddenly, out of nowhere he says the one thing no professional single girl wants to hear: “I think I’m falling in love with you.” My romantic response? A very serious, “No you’re not, shut up.”

It took me about 2 billion awkward seconds of silence to realize that was a terrible response. I apologized, and he made me an omelet. Saved by the breakfast.

But it occurred to me later that day that it should come as no surprise that I’m single. Well I thought I was single. Apparently, I’m in a very loving relationship. No one ever told me. But never mind that…

I’ve compiled a list of screenshots of text messages that perfectly demonstrate why I am, in my opinion, single AF and #ForeverAlone.

1. I’m not domestic. At all.

2. My friends like my boo things more than I like my boo things.

3. My guy friends find my sex life more interesting than I do.

4. I have an arranged marriage with my best friend planned incase my attitude toward men doesn’t get better.

5. This is my idea of a relationship.

6. My idea of an emergency is alcohol… instead of the fact that I’m forever alone.

7. I know what them boyz like: vom and a bitch that can’t walk.

8. The closest I get to being domestic is drunkenly cooking pasta, when I’m too poor for Taco Bell.

9. Call them boys. Call them men. I just call it like I see it.

(**you’re UGH autocorrect.)

10. And finally, because my life is filled with friends who are just as single as me… for no obvious or apparent reason….

So next time you feel #foreveralone read through your texts. I bet they will reveal all the reasons why you’re single AF.

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#HowIStaySingle: A Guide from Self-Proclaimed Experts

Last week, we started a hashtag: #howistaysingle. We tweeted out some of our highly effective habits of single people, and you tweeted yours back.

This shit could be a TV show, starring all of us. You guys sent some great suggestions.

So if you’re looking for the opposite of being in a relationship, here are some guidelines by self-proclaimed experts on staying single.

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1. Shedding 10 pounds with Spanx instead of exercise #howistaysingle —@FMGMoscato

2. my twitter handle says it all. #howistaysingle —@mycatismybff

3. Eating an entire Waffle House all-star breakfast in one sitting #howistaysingle —@_kimkimbar

4. Silently stealing a t-shirt and sneaking out of a guy’s house before he can wake up and ask my name #howistaysingle —@FMGMoscato

5. finding a boyfriend means talking to new people and I really don’t want to  #howistaysingle —@aliciasetterx

6. #howistaysingle #wineisbae —@erinbrewton

7. Leaving a guy at the end of the driveway because I’d rather eat a sub and watch Big Bang Theory #howistaysingle — @goshdarnkritch

8. Going on a date and ordering an entire bottle of wine… For myself #howistaysingle —@lontox_

9. I could probably eat my weight in peanut butter frosting right now #howistaysingle —@LolaLaMarj

10. Anyone who snapchats me knows I’m super unattractive. #howistaysingle —@MissRave

11. Choosing mac & cheese over a guy at the end of the night. #howistaysingle #FMGM —@FMGMoscato

12. #howistaysingle —@DanaeKatsaH

13. Stay home nursing the unhealthy attachment I have with my dog rather than going anywhere public at all. #howistaysingle —@SEdman14

14. Loving wine more than men…#HowIStaySingle —@Vtaylor474

15. Not sharing my pizza and beer #howistaysingle #mine —@ellyyya

16. Pizza #howistaysingle —@yayfordre

17. When I’m drunk all I talk about is cats, Ke$ha, and how great the bottle of wine is in my hand. #howIstaysingle —@melllly44

18. Spending more time eating Mexican food and drinking my weight in margs, rather than losing that weight at the gym. #howistaysingle —@fmgmoscato

19. I just asked my dog if my new polish is pretty. #howistaysingle —@SingleStatus01

20. #howistaysingle #foodforever —@JordanAshley30

21. A bottle of tequila holds a special place in my heart that no man can take @FMGMoscato #howistaysingle #FMGM –@TayPowerRanger

22. convincing every guy I meet I’m dating my best friend because I don’t have time for them #howistaysingle —@torimaduro

23. When you’re quoted as saying things like this #howistaysingle —@Cara_Martin

24. Using dates to get hammered F0 FR33!!! #howistaysingle —@EmilyUpdegraff

25. Kissing more girls than guys when I’m drunk —@FMGMoscato

26. Requiring food every two hours or I get hangry. #howistaysingle —@katemhofer

27. Showing a photo album filled only with photos of your cat while calling them your child #howistaysingle —@leahhhbearrr

Don’t be ashamed.. the time in life you spend without a boyfriend is important. Embrace it. Love it. Tolerate it. Keep wine close-by.

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