being a virgin

Well ladies, it finally happened. I know you’re like wow this girl was 21 years old and she still hadn’t had sex? You might be thinking I’m super awkward/weird/ugly/etc. However, I’m only a little awkward and not a total dog.

So how is it that I managed to go so long without having sex and what was it like when I finally did?

It was not a big deal, at all. I had built it up in my mind for so long, that losing it would be meaningful or special but in actuality it was just something that happened and I won’t let it define me. Yeah, it was with a boy I don’t know very well and it wasn’t what I would call a pleasant experience, but I refuse to let people make me feel bad for my choice.

I’d honestly been getting sick of being a virgin and I really wanted to have sex but finding someone to do with was the tricky part. For so long, I thought that my first time would be with a boy who I loved, who loved me back. I wanted it to be perfect but reality often is as far from perfect as we can get.

I was worried about having sex with a boy and becoming emotionally attached to him, as I’ve seen happen to some oeople I’m close with. I was worried I would be crushed and broken if I did it with a boy who did not reciprocate my feelings for him. Those fears were what were stopping me from experiencing a very normal and natural thing.

Sure, there were a few other times I came close but I would chicken out or the guy said “It won’t fit” (bullshit, fucker. Your dick wasn’t that big). So I wasn’t 100% inexperienced with sex but I had no clue what it was like or how it felt.

My first time was weird. I invited this boy over after indulging in one too many vodka waters and tequila shots (curse you, Jose Cuervo) with the intention of just fooling around with him because having sex was out of the question for me.

Until it wasn’t. Basically, it happened and I was just drunk enough that I didn’t want to stop it from happening. I can remember thinking “Oh my god, I have to tell my roommate/BFF” (yes, I thought about my roommate/BFF while I was having sex LOL) and feeling a certain amount of discomfort and then it was over. When I woke up the next morning, I was alone ( I never said he was a nice guy but at least I didn’t have to face him sober) and it took me a second to realize what had happened.

I was in shock and disbelief. I went to my bathroom and brushed my teeth and kept laughing out loud, like in a crazy person sort of way, not a happy sort of way. I got dressed and went into my BFF’s room and started laughing again. All I could say was ” I did it.”

She didn’t believe me at first. I mean, who would? Me with my prized virginity having sex with a boy I didn’t know? I could hardly believe it myself. As I tried to remember what actually had happened, all I could think about was how embarrassed I was. This random boy saw me naked and probably realized it was my first time. My insides instantly shriveled with shame and I avoided going into my room again for the rest of the day. I just did not want to deal with what had happened in there just hours earlier.

For the rest of the day, I felt so weird. Not sad, I felt empty– drained of emotions and feelings. I did not try to call or text the boy, I actually unfriended him on Facebook because seeing his name made me feel ashamed and embarrassed all over again. It’s very hard to describe exactly how I felt, I didn’t want to be around people or have to act like a person. I know that sounds dumb, but I really just wanted to process what had happened and figure out how I felt without anyone else’s expectations of how I should be acting/feeling interfering with my thoughts.

I told the people who were important to me what had happened and they all let me know if I needed anything, they would be there for me. I got lots of advice and no judgement, which is all a girl in a tough really situation needs (Shout-out to my FMGM girls).

While I wish there were some aspects I could have changed, I’m honestly relieved that it finally happened. I’m glad I got to experience sex, even if it didn’t happen under the most ideal circumstances.

In today’s society, so much pressure is put on young people about when they should be having sex, how it should be happening, who they should be sleeping with, it’s hard to feel good about your choices.

I will not let anyone make me feel bad about my decision to have sex. I thought I would be disappointed, hurt, sad, etc. I feel fine, besides some lingering embarrassment, but I’m planning on never seeing the boy again so I’m getting over that. I though having sex would change me in some fundamental way but I’m still the same person I was – I laugh way too hard at penis jokes, I say “that’s what she said,” and I act and feel like a normal, 21 year old girl.

Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about your sex choices, FMGMoscato ladies. If you don’t have sex, if you have lots of sex; don’t let anyone make you think you’re doing it wrong. I’m obviously not an expert on the topic, but my (tiny, honestly his dick wasn’t that big) experience taught me that.