Signs You’ve Conquered Your College Town

It’s the time of year again when you have to say goodbye to your one true love, your college town. You’ve had your fights this year, but she always makes it up to you with penny pitchers and $3 margaritas. Wherever you spend your summer isn’t going to be half as exciting as college. But when you come back in the Fall, it’s going to be a shitshow. Plus you get to intimidate all the new freshman with how fun and funny you are. You’ll show them who actually runs your town.

You Have A Set Drinking Schedule

You know the Happy Hours at every bar and you know what time is the best to arrive. You have an established rotation of places to stop by every night of the week and it’s an unsaid agreement that it is where you and all your friends will be meeting for dinner (drinks).

You Even Have Your Own Table At Your Favorite Restaurant

It’s Thursday evening. Class is out for the weekend, and it’s time for margs and queso. You roll in to your favorite mexican place at exactly 5:45, just like every other week. The hostess already has your menus and your table empty. So what if your seat are in the back away from everyone. That just means your drunk yelling and laughing isn’t disturbing anyone. And if it is… they can go somewhere else. This is your place.

The Bouncers Know You

Lines to get in the bar? Bar lines are the perfect opportunity to remind everyone else that it’s your world and they are just living in it. A bouncer looking at your ID and smirking before waving you in is probably my second favorite feeling in the world. That wave into the bar by the bouncer without even flashing your ID is the actual best.

The Bartenders Know Your Order

It’s one thing for a bouncer to know you. It’s boring outside and you’re probably talking to him to make sure your underage friends get in. But when the person you scream “TEQUILA” at can recognize you from the sea of faces yelling the same thing, you know you have made it.

You Know The Late Night Fast Food Workers

Everyone jokes about drunk munchies, but you’re not a regular at a fast food restaurant until the night workers know you. My friends met one night manager, drunkenly got his number, and dealt with his weird texts messages for months. But now they’re such great friends they’ll stop by after the bar and he’ll bring them out bags of fries and chicken nuggets. If you don’t think that’s impressive then you probably don’t appreciate a good time or a good drunken McDonald’s binge.

You Drunk Wander Responsibly

Don’t be ashamed of your constant habits of ditching your friend to go on a solo adventure for a little while, it makes for the best stories. It doesn’t matter where you are or who you’re with. If you want to get yourself home, you can do it. You’ve been around long enough that you could make it from your favorite bar to your house on your hands and knees (not like that has ever happened to anyone I know). If you want to meet up with your friends again, you will miraculously find them.

You’ve Accepted That Drinking Is A Marathon, Not A Sprint

Because once you accept that, you’re life turns into a nine month bender. Margs an hour before class? Sure! Wine the night before a test? Okay! And instead of failing, you’ve learned to excel when drunk. In fact, your highest grades on papers probably come from nights when you down a bottle of wine and start thinking deeply about the meaning behind a textbook your professor has probably never opened. Hey, it worked for Hemingway.

So just remember, ladies: even though graduation is scary, that piece of paper means that you you kicked ass for four (five?) years.  And more importantly, the drunk injuries, the assholes, and the MIP’s didn’t break you. So drink up, you deserve it!

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Holy Hangover

 

We’ve all had them.  Who knew that such a fun night and just a few a lot of drinks could turn into something so horrible?  No matter what kind of yummy alcohol is your drink of choice, they all have their evil sides.  Here are four types of hangovers.

The Beer Hangover

After 5,293 rounds of Flip Cup, the morning after is not pretty. As soon as you open your eyes, your tummy is doing that rumbly sound. You know, that sound where you’re convinced you have a tiny bear cub living in your stomach. You try to ignore it and go back to sleep, but it keeps happening. And then all of a sudden, it hits you. Houston, we have a problem. You dash to the bathroom – not knowing that you’re going to be spending the entire morning and even early afternoon sitting on the toilet. Disgusting. But at least you brought your phone along so you can admire the pictures of you being crowned the Flip Cup champ.

 

The Tequila Hangover

Last night was Tequila Tuesday with your best friends at the new Mexi restaurant downtown.  You had a blast.  Today is “OMG-I’m never going to drink Tequila again-Is that a sombrero under my bed?” Wednesday.  Not so much of a blast.  You physically can’t get out of bed and you’re constantly being told stories of all the funny things that you “did” last night.  (“Did” being in quotation marks because you totally don’t remember ANYTHING.)  Your head is pounding with the sounds of the mariachi band playing in your mind, but you manage to go to the kitchen for a glass of water where you find a to-go box of arroz con pollo.  Barf.  Off to the bathroom you go with thoughts of never drinking tequila again… Well, at least not until next Tuesday.

The Wine Hangover

You’ve had the longest work week ever and all you want is to relax with a nice glass of wine.  But after just one episode of Say Yes to the Dress, you realize that you’re never going to get married and the neighborhood kids are going to know you as “Crazy Cat Lady.” Screw TLC and that Bride Day Friday thing.  So, you pour another glass of wine.  And another.  And well, you know the rest. You wake up with a killer headache.  Is it just you or are the birds chirping louder than normal this morning? It’s official, you’re about to have an unproductive Saturday.  Thank your lucky stars for Netflix and Orange Is The New Black.

The Vodka Hangover

 

You had a wild night.  Well, at least that’s what your gathering from the camera roll on your phone.  It’s hard to piece together everything that happened in the last 12 hours since you and your roommate are taking turns in the bathroom.  You know you should eat something, but just the thought of food has sent you to bless the porcelain gods.  To top it all off, apparently you had a long make out session with the ugliest guy at the bar and everyone saw you.  Life is pretty miserable, and it gets even worse when you remember that you promised to make an appearance at your Grandma’s birthday luncheon.

 

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What Your Favorite Drink Says About You

Everyone has their signature drink at the bar, the one you order every single time you go to the bar. You’ve thought about trying something new and maybe you have, but you always seem to end up going back to your favorite drink. Here’s what that special drink says about you.

 Vodka Soda

Boring. Vodka sodas are what you order when you can’t think of anything else to drink. If you drink vodka sodas, get out of your comfort zone and try something new. There’s a lot of other options to explore, definitely ones that taste better than this (see: everything else on this list)

Vodka Cranberry

Vodka crans are delicious; they’re fruity and filled with alcohol without tasting like they’re filled with alcohol. You can pretend you’re being healthy because you’re drinking fruit juice at the bar. This drink says you’re health-conscious yet you like to have fun.

Rum and Diet

Let’s face it, the reason you’re drinking a rum and diet is because of your DC addiction. I’m guilty of this too, R&Ds don’t get you very drunk but they are deliciously sweet and satisfying when you’re craving DC and alcohol.

Long Island

Long Island’s really get the party going. They endless amount of flavors make for a lot of variety, the amount of alcohol ensures you’ll be drunk after one. They’re a bargain; you get a lot of alcohol for five dollars. People who regularly drink LITs are always a fun time, they get you drunk and they do it fast. If you’re drinking LITs, it’s guaranteed you’ll be drunk before any of your friends.

Anything with whiskey

Impressive. Girls who drink whiskey casually are to be feared. Either their taste buds are gone or they just really don’t give a fuck. Whiskey lovers are rare in college; these girls are ahead of their time. In ten years, they’ll be drinking scotch on the rocks while infiltrating the boys club.

Tequila

Girls who drink tequila are usually hot messes who are down to blackout and/or puke. These girls go hard, they’re usually the ones who get carried home by their friends at the end of the night but they probably had more fun than you.

Beer

Beer can be a casual drink or it can mean business. Girls who drink beer are usually pretty chill, they’re also usually surrounded by a bunch of dudes who consider her a bro. Maybe she can hook you up with one of her hot friends. After beer number 6 or 7 though, the party transitions from drunken fun to drunken chaos. Stick around to watch the hilarious stunts beer drinkers do once they get rolling.
 
 
Anything else

Anything else than what’s on this list is too fancy, too hard, or too much money for me or anyone else I know. If you drink something that’s not on this list, you’re a badass lady, no matter what it is.